STORY OF MY LIVES - Chapter 29 (The life of Nathalie)

I'm about 3-4 years old. I'm born into a wealthy family. I'm outside in the garden with my nanny. I'm riding a bike without pedals. I'm wearing a fancy dress. My nanny calls me Nathalie. We speak French. 

Another scene:

I'm outside in the huge garden. There are wide stone paths in between the vegetation. I'm about ten years old. I'm wearing a wig and a pale blue boys' suit. I'm quite smart.

Q: Show me your family inside the home.

Nathalie: I don't like to go inside. I don't like being with them.

Q: Show me what is under your wig when you take it off.

There's a net around my hair and then, when I take that off, there is straight, chestnut-brown hair. It's not that long. There's a greenhouse over there. I study plants and want to make a crossbreed of two different flowers. I stay in the small house where my nanny lives. She's my best friend.

Q: I was told this was going to be a hard life. Show me what is so hard about it.

I'm tied with my hands and feet on the bed in a large room. I'm naked and he's naked too. It's my father. He does this habitually. After he's done, he leaves me there, tied to the bed, naked, cold and helpless. It's always horrifying, and he lets me go hungry and thirsty. When he comes back, I ask him to release me, but he takes pleasure in seeing me suffer. He shows me a blackberry and holds it close to my mouth. I want it so badly, but he's only teasing me with it. He moves it under my nose so I can smell it. The situation has lasted for so long and I start to convulse. My mother comes into the room, and exclaims: 'What have you done to her now?!' She knows he does these sick things to me, but she clearly thinks he's gone too far this time. She calls the two servants up and tells them to dress me. My father is out of the room now. After a while, my mother comes up with a platter of food. I'm so hungry that it feels impossible to start eating. I tell the servants to eat with me. It's white bread with cold gravy.

Q: Do you have siblings?

Nathalie: He told me that there are siblings in the basement whom he keeps there and tortures. He says that I'm lucky not to be down there like the others. I think I can hear them screaming. I'm not sure if she could actually hear screams or if he just put that idea into her head.

Q: Take me to a time where I can see whether you have siblings.

I'm a toddler. I alternate between walking and crawling. I'm dressed as a boy. I play with a large wig which I put on and off my head. I have two older brothers. The youngest one seems to be about eight years old. My mother has brown hair. She knows my father does things to me. Though she doesn't stop him, she does try to keep him from doing so. She seems to think that dressing me up as a boy will diminish his lust for me.

Another scene:

I'm outside. I'm twenty four years old. He's coming towards me. He's clearly crazy. I run away and he runs after me. Outside of the grounds, there is a place with trees but not as dense as a forest. After I've finally lost him, I still keep running cause I don't trust that I'm completely safe from him. I reach a large field. Because of the long vegetation, it feels as if I'm wearing a skirt. I find a couple of men farming the land in the distance. I take off my wig cause I don't want people to see that I'm of a high social class. I drop the wig in the field. I'm startled by a wild pig running through the field, followed by some piglets. I don't like pigs. I come to the next field and approach the farmers. I'll need food, so I ask if I can help them with the work. They allow me to help out. They speak another language and know my language better than I know theirs. I spot a specific plant in the field and bring it to the farmers. I suggest to grow more of it. They seem to think it's a good idea as growing flowers would bring them more money than what they are growing now. They're talking to each other now. I think they are talking about me, but I can't understand it even though I try to. One of the guys has noticed that I'm quite smart and seems to think it would be good for them to keep me around. I ask him about food cause I've become quite exhausted. He tells me that they'll eat tonight after the work. I say that's good. I continue working, but he notices that I'm in need of food sooner. He calls one of the women at the house telling her to bring some food. They're two couples living in the same house. The woman brings some bread and he tells me to eat. I tell him I don't want to eat on my own. As he joins me, he explains that the days are longer nowadays cause the sun sets late and so they can afford to take breaks and continue work for longer. I'm overtaken by emotions and start to cry. He smiles and says: 'Don't cry. You must be a strong boy.' I tell him that I'm not a boy, but as I quickly realize that I shouldn't have said that, I try to rectify it by saying: 'I mean, I'm not a strong boy.' It's too late cause he already realized that I'm indeed not a boy. He asks me what happened to my dress, assuming that I'm wearing boys' clothes cause something happened to my actual clothes. I tell him I don't like dresses cause they're unpractical. He says his wife can make me a good dress. After all, it would be a shame to get these nice clothes dirty. I tell him I don't mind getting dirty. With all this talk of changing my clothes, I suddenly panic and run away. I find a woman and ask her where the nearest town is. She gestures in the direction of a church tower. I find the small church. Mass is just about to start, and people are entering the church. I decide to go inside with them. It's all new to me. My clothes are out of place among these people and I feel like they're looking at me. I go and sit in the men's section. I suddenly realize only men sit here. Embarrassed and bewildered, I get up and leave. A young woman, apparently having noticed my awkwardness, kindly helps me back to a seat in the men's section. The priest comes in. To my surprise, the mass is quite a show and people are having fun. There are two other priests too. Or maybe they are altar boys, but they're adults. I don't understand what is being said. When the time for the communion rite comes, the priest walks down the aisle and feeds people a piece of white bread drenched in wine. After mass, I find the farmers outside of the church. The guy I met earlier in the field asks me to come with them to the pub. I'm reluctant, but he encourages me. We go to the pub and discuss business.

Q: Take me to the last day of your life.

I'm in bed in a simple house. I'm about fifty years old. I think life has been long enough, and I'm ready to die. I'm coughing, but I'm happy. I'm looking forward to going to heaven.

Q: Did you ever have children?

Nathalie: No, but I think I had a miscarriage once. Someone told me that when I mentioned having missed my period for some time.

After I leave my body, I find my parents. I then go up and up for quite some time. I have to split from the other two souls that I accompanied in the life of this avatar. I joined them in order to assist them. Once I'm separated from them, I feel more like myself again, and I now merge with the other half of my own soul who also came back from another life. We both lived for about fifty years. Next, we are split in two again and will live the lives of Lucy and John.

Another session:

I'm fourteen years old. I'm running around in the garden. I like to run.

Another scene:

I'm wearing makeup. I'm sitting at a dressing table with a mirror. I'm wearing a fancy, black dress with gold-colored embroidery. I'm in my twenties. I'm married. My husband comes in. He says: 'Let's get on the marital bed.' Oh, him and his marital bed again!

Q: Show me what your life is like.

I'm walking in the corridor. It feels like a haunted house. Then, I come to an amazing hall with a checkered floor. There's a lot of glass here. It's like a luxurious greenhouse. I turn to the right where there are a few steps. I like to run and dance in the house.

Q: Show me how your relationship is with your husband.

I'm standing here and he's standing over there. We're looking at each other, silently flirting.

Q: Did the marriage end? What happened?

Nathalie: It just couldn't be because of the other woman. I think he even kept two mistresses. I just won't stand for that. I have my self-respect.

Q: What did you do?

Nathalie: I left and went back to my life as a farmer. I'm a business-oriented farmer. I pose as a man. It's better suited for this kind of life. I wear a beige suit. That's life, you see? You have to be independent.

Q: Show me how you met your husband.

I'm under a bridge. There's a row of people standing in line, and I'm standing outside of the line. I'm wearing peasant clothes, but they're women's clothes. A man (my future husband) comes and talks to me. I tell him that I came to see someone, a specific person. He immediately treats me with more respect and leads me towards the house. It looks like an old castle with gray stones. The people standing in line are there for a job interview.

Another scene:

I'm at a small tea party in the large house, and he's there too. He spills some tea on the lower part of my dress, pretending like it's an accident. We giggle and he uses the incident to take me out of the room, supposedly to help me with the dress, but of course, we have other plans.

Q: Who are the people that live in this house?

Nathalie: They're two cousins of mine. It's my uncle's house.

Q: Was it your husband that got you pregnant the time you might have had the miscarriage?

Nathalie: It was the son of that farmer. He's younger than me, and I was the one that instigated the relationship.

Q: Take me back to the last day of your life.

I'm coughing. It doesn't stop. I toss and turn while the cough persists. There's a small shelf on the wall, next to the bed. I feel like there are three of us.